Partial Molar Pregnancy - Miscarriage Part One

The day after Christmas we arrived home after a 10 hour drive and I knew I needed to take another pregnancy test… and there in our bathroom I stood staring at two pink lines. I was overjoyed.

We told family quickly and my nausea started almost immediately. I threw up daily and I slept when we I could. But something in my gut had me nervous. We arrived at our first ob appointment with our daughter in tow and we saw the baby and a strong heartbeat, but I knew when I ovulated almost exactly and the baby was measuring days behind. It was then I knew something wasn’t right. The doctor wasn’t concerned but wanted to do another viability ultrasound in two weeks

I prayed and tried to stay positive. I kept throwing up. But there were days when I didn’t feel as bloated. So on Thursday, February 8th, I was 9 weeks we brought both Johnny and Gretel with us to the ultrasound. The sweetest tech with the same birthday as me guided us into the room. And just as we saw the baby I knew.., no heartbeat and my world stopped. I felt shattered and broken.

The ultrasound tech had to continue doing measurements and she knew my pain. As we waited to meet with doctor Johnny looked at me and said are we saying the Abby today and I burst tears and John swiftly redirected him. We met with the doctor. I’d never met him he was straightforward and kind not warm and fuzzy. We could either wait weeks to miscarry on my own or do a D & C. I wanted it over, we spent the weekend grieving… carrying a baby that no longer was. This baby would never have a footprint on earth.

On a rainy Monday morning at 5 am we headed to the hospital. I cried as we walked in. I cried when they took me back to check my vitals. I didn’t know the surgeon but he apparently was a top doctor. I was surrounded by older people having knee surgery, back surgery and so on. But no one was there because they lost a baby. I cried and cried and asked them to make sure I was fully unaware of everything happening. I awoke from surgery loopy and somehow not crying. I suppose thats why they give you all of those medications. So you feel numb for awhile.

They loaded me up on pain medication and as we left the hospital (no longer pregnant) I felt utterly empty. My body ripped open and raw. The days to follow I slept and cried and bled.

I was finally feeling like I was out of the fog when I received a call from the nurse. I figured just to check on me but sadly no… the pathology came back and there was a possibility that it was a Partial Molar Pregnancy. They needed to check my HCG levels. I said okay and even was okay with it. We had never heard of it and then I realized how much I didn’t want this to be the case. We googled and researched and panicked.

A week later we found out that it was in face a Partial Molar Pregnancy. I was devastated. My world turned upside down. I would receive blood work weekly to check my HCG levels and then monthly when it finally does reach 0. I am not at 0 and not even close. I absolutely can NOT get pregnant for at least 6 months from the time it does hit 0.

This isn’t the end of our story. It is just the beginning. I have been surrounded by stories of miscarriage. It has given me hope and comfort.

I have been surrounded by stories of miscarriage. It has given me hope that this isn’t the end of our story. As I process through grief I have found myself asking if I ever said a true, “Goodbye” this this sweet soul? Honestly, no. I was too afraid to look at my body after we found out that the heartbeat was gone. I didn’t touch my stomach for days and maybe it was a week.

My heart is battered and raw. But I am looking for growth and life. I look for joy in the forehead kisses from my husband, John or the big hugs from Johnny (3) and definitely the belly laughs from Gretel (1).

I am sharing my story because it feels like when we have miscarriage we are in THAT category. You know the one no one wants to talk about because it makes them uncomfortable. And even after you have had a miscarriage there is an expectation that you should be positive and bounce back. Well let me tell you this is the hardest experience of my life and it NEEDS to be talked about.

But please don’t tell me. . .

“Everything happens for a reason”

“Look at your two beautiful children you have already”

“Be positive”

“You are super fertile after a miscarriage".

NONE of this is helpful. In fact it is painful and every story is different.

I am 3 weeks post D &C and I don’t cry as often. Most days I am filled with light and love but the nights are hardest. I find my anxiety and sadness creep in and most nights I give into it all. I let the grief wash over me and I wade through it. I may have felt completely broken lately but I do see a light. I see that something beautiful will shine through all of this.

I have hope that my story may bring comfort to you.

with all of my love. . .

Ali